Differences

This week is really illustrating how different my place of work is.
Before I get into it though, no matter how sad, depressed, angry, or hopeless I sound- I love my  job with all my heart.

My classroom has a daily and even weekly routine. It is different from most schools. My students don't have coats and back packs. They don't come with school supplies. Most don't have books at home. Very few of my students live with "Mom" and "Dad". I have to be very careful about planning and about what I say or how I word things.

My students grow up knowing more about the world than they should. Students as young as 5 are involved in gangs and take part in vandalizing their home town.. There is gang activity, families with too many children, drug use, alcoholism.

Its an area filled with poverty.

Its also an area filled with people who have bigger hearts than most people you have met. So don't assume that because someone is poor, they won't amount to much.

Okay, so in my room things are different, but routine. This week has NOT been routine, even for me. I've been forgotten about many times, I've had students tell me they don't like this school or class, its boring, they hate it (even if they just say it because they're dramatic.. it hurts).  I am behind on many things. Having behavior problems. A student crying and breaking down over being bullied and how kids from another school try to jump him on his way home and they have knives. Hes in 5th grade. He has to worry about making it home alive because he has to walk. My students don't even know about their cultural history. People purposefully leave things out textbooks because they're gruesome (or because they don't want everyone to know how awful people were). That alone makes me want to cry.
I'm already worried about students who don't wear coats when they come to school. It is so cold in the mornings.

I'm wondering what parent teacher conferences will be like.. if my parents will come. If they will like me (I still haven't met most of them)

I knew it would be different, but I never realized in how many ways. Even on the days when I'm ready to scream, cry, and pull my hair out.. I wouldn't want to teach anywhere else right now. Other places would be boring. The fact that my students have lived their lives to this point and have such great senses of humor and big hearts means so very much to me. Even when I complain, I whine, and when I'm scared.. I love my job, in this exact town, exact school, exact grade, and exact room.

i dont want to cry
and i dont want to try and explain
i would just like for my chest to stop feeling like its ripping apart

definitions

I care too much about the wrong things.

I do things because I think or feel its what is expected of me, not because I want or need to.

Now I'm forgetting what I want or need.

The loss of definitions is causing this desire to waste time in an attempt to forget how to feel

Moldy Bread

I ate toast last night with supper.
I ate toast for breakfast.
I was in the process of making toast for supper this evening.
Grab bread.
Open bread bag.
Discover: MOLD

REALLY?!

That pretty much sums up my week and month.

That is all.

p.s.

My neighbors are being incredibly loud,
I am thiiiis close to putting in my UnderOath CD and jamming out like I'm 80.

[de]construction

I wonder:

do you have to completely tear yourself apart before you can appreciate yourself?

I wonder:
what it is that makes me have such up and down days?

I guess this is why I don't like change.


we always joke about things being a vicious circle or cycle, and you don't realize how serious it is until you're caught dancing around in it

bad day -- my fault? -- probably not doing everything I should be doing -- wish someone would fill me in -- missing everyone -- tired -- don't deserve sleep -- not enough work done -- no time to do it -- feeling sick still -- feeling sad -- unmotivated when sad -- more time wasted -- count seconds, minutes, hours -- always think "could have"--

I'm sure in 10 hours or 10 days I'll be as happy and proud as ever. Is this the lifelong cycle? I'd rather just stay up high. Is it a process? Is it all made up?

Broken Zippers

So of course, on the day I am admiring how long my pair of pants has lasted, the zipper breaks. The internal dialog went something like this:
Wow I've had these pants forever.
Since I started working at Premier.
They're my Premier pants.
I remember when they used to not fit, ah and then I gained weight.
Oh well, they're comfy pants.
I love these pants.

I went through my regular teacher day. Got home. Zipper breaks. What?! So much for admiring you pants, sheesh.
Solution: chocolate creme puff AND a pumpkin Resses peanut butter cup. :D
If you decide you need to buy curtains,
never buy an odd number. Especially if your curtain rod has a center attachment point...
(note to self: buy one more curtain for the living room)

Also, never assume that anyone remembers the rules about anything.
Things that you think are important, don't mean crap to other people (hello, America)

Apparently our school is going to take part in a reading program with McDonalds.. (right, I know)
I'm not sure how I feel about it.. One of the things I have noticed about my place of employment.. there is A LOT of extrinsic motivation.. which is weird for me.. because I am not an extrinsically motivated person.. 

Today was Toon Monday.. I think 5 kiddos in my class dressed up, and I wore my bright yellow Sponge Bob shirt.. yep.

I actually wrote lesson plans for 2 days, which is not a lot, but seemed like a huge accomplishment. Now to plan for the rest of the week and grade the mound of papers I have.. Weeeeeeeee

An Adventure

I'm learning now that life is an adventure. Sometimes we willingly seek out adventure and yet at other times we stumble upon it. [Maybe occasionally we are violently thrown into it]

I never was an adventurous one.

I have no sense of direction, I am incredibly shy, and seemingly incapable of functioning without the assistance of another human being.

However, I am surviving. (Insert "I'm a Survivor" by Destiny's Child as a mental theme song)

In the past months, or maybe even the past year. I have spent much time complaining, whining, crying, failing, and drowning. I have also spent time soaring, smiling, succeeding, and living.

There was still something missing.

Appreciation, thanks, and acknowledgement.

I never take the time to acknowledge how I'm feeling. I never stop to say or think, "Well I wonder why"

Recently I realized how important it is to appreciate what I have and what I have accomplished. I don't mean the boastful bragging kind of appreciation. I mean the genuine kind of appreciation. As for thanks- I don't say thank you enough. Not enough in a day-to-day setting when someone helps me and definitely not enough for people who are just in my life- the people willing to put up with me and all that that entails.

So back to the adventure.

College was an adventure, and one that I miss an incredibly amount. Here I am, in my first real job though.

What time is it???? ADVENTURE TIIIIME!!! [Only those of you as obsessed with cartoons as I am will get this...]

Paying bills, having accounts, buying groceries, remembering to clean all the little things that need cleaned, killing spiders, remembering to turn the lights off, setting the thermostat, putting gas in the car, shutting the windows, setting the alarm, washing the dishes... these are all incredibly new experiences for me.

Insurance, retirement, paychecks, discounts, organizations, unions, keys, locks, special envelops, documentation, documentation, documentation...

Among all of these lists, worries, and new things.. I am learning to appreciate.

I survived over a month at my new job. I have lived on my own successfully for over a month. No explosions, death, violence, missing people, fires, or other disasters.

I have had good and bad days.. but I am here. I have a job at a great school with great students and staff.

Some days I get really stressed and some days I have funny stories.. other days I am just happy.

I decided I should start writing again. To document my adventures. Adventures of growing up, living alone, getting married, and working.

Students say the funniest things and sometimes see the world more clearly than the most educated adult. I hope to share great things with my readers. Regardless, I miss writing and I love to journal. So here I am. Enjoy.