wounds

wounds on the outside
you can wash them
put a bandage on
and let it heal
there might be a scar or two
but they make for good stories

wounds on the inside
you can't put a bandage there
it isn't so easy to clean them
you have to be willing to find the wound first
the wounds on the inside
they are often the ones we try to forget about
try to hide
it takes courage to search for them
to clean the wound
and to try and repair it

Transitions

It has been quite a while since I have though about this blog, let alone posted in it. Back in January I was torn over what to do. The more that I missed Aaron the clearer my decision became.
I met criticism along the way. I understand that though. I had a good place to live, I had a job in my career field, and I had a well paying job at that. To give that up for a future of uncertainty... well I can see how that might seem stupid to some. While it hurt to leave the classroom, I didn't want to regret missing out on time with my (now) husband.

Here I am now, back in Spearfish. This place is home in my heart. I feel comfortable and safe here, but I also spend time adventuring and doing new things. I really started to discover who I was as a person in this town, and it will always be special to me.

I was accepted into the graduate program at BHSU. I am currently working on my Masters of Science in Curriculum and Instruction- Technology Integrationist. I will be finished in 2 years with this degree. I am working 3 jobs and tutoring. Job #1 is at Canyon Hills Center which is a Psychiatric Treatment Facility for kids, I am a 'residential counselor' and I mostly work overnights 2 days of the week. Job # 2 is as a work study at BHSU in the Instructional Technology department. Job # 3 is at Eleutian where I teach English to Korean students via online video classes. I tutor a 4th grade student 1 hour every Friday.

My schedule is chaotic and confusing. People ask me why I'm not teaching. People ask me how I manage it.
I'm not teaching because I applied and did not get a job, I am okay with that. I think I needed a break from the classroom.  I am working 3 jobs to pay the bills, but also because I love all 3 jobs. I am working with children that are in need of positive role models, I am working with technology, and I am teaching a few hours every week. I am learning so much from each of my jobs, and meeting wonderful people that I love at each job.

I'm not sure where I will be in another year, but right now I am happy. Sometimes I just want a day off, I just want to sleep and rest. It is nice to have things to do though. I am learning so much from my classes, and I am incredibly challenged.

I still feel like a teacher even if I don't have a classroom that I spend 5 days a week in. Not having a solid plan scares me. I think I am finally getting comfortable with just living life though.
We are getting by. I am lucky enough to have jobs that I absolutely love. I have the opportunity to earn a graduate degree. My husband is the most amazing man in my eyes, and I am so happy to be with him. The future holds happiness even if I can't see the path.

in my head

feeling like the way to describe how I have felt lately is 'in my head' I live and think and work in my head. to afraid to explore the real world. to damaged to successfully take a risk in a real place.

feeling like, everything I really think is made up by me and wondering if that makes me really creative or really, really broken.

wondering why it is so impossible for me to make even one improvement.

underneath I must have this goal of sabotaging myself.

and we've gone full circle back to living in my head.

explains why I don't enjoy social activities, or people, or life.

by explains I meant excuse.

I am a giant excuse.

trying to find the entrance to the circle maze to begin making improvements and mapping the insanity. we'll see.

Torn

I am torn.
Future. What should I do?

With these recent life developments... I have been thinking "Eagle Butte is too far away".. if someone needed me (mostly Aaron) I couldn't drop everything in a second and be there. I have to prepare and drive 3 hours .. and then in the roads are bad.. or what if I'm too broke for gas money? All of these things make me wonder.
Then I walk into my classroom and I think "How could I ever work anywhere else?" but when I'm in Spearfish I think "How could I ever live anywhere else?"...
Every time I think about it I come to another resolution. Every minute of every day makes me change my mind.
Also, even though I'm 22, and an 'adult' now.. (I guess) I don't like being so far away from my parents. I feel like they need me, and I like to be around them. I love my job though.. I love the community where I work, I love all of my little kiddos [even when they make me want to tear my hair out], I love my boss, my coworkers, the support staff, my building, my apartment..

Missing Aaron gets unbearable at times though. Just moments when I want to give him a hug, or see him laugh at my silly story, or make him breakfast in the morning.. I get to be with him forever, but that doesn't seem to calm the storm of missing him in the moment.

So I'm left wondering.. what do I do? My job pays well, I have great benefits, and I actually enjoy it. Yet, Aaron has a great job and benefits and he loves his job.. problem is they are 3 hours apart. When we get married, I don't want to live so far away. I don't want to have 2 separate homes. Maybe I'm being 'idealistic' or maybe just stubborn.

I have this internal dialog with getting married also. I want to get married to Aaron and spend the rest of my life with him. whenever we sit down to hash out the details though, I never know what I want. Do I want a big wedding, a ceremony, a dress, a reception? Most of the time I don't. Am I okay with just going to the court house and making it official? Sure. Then I run into feeling bad. What if my sisters aren't there, what if Aaron's Mom and sisters can't be there. Is it fair for anyone to be there at all then if not everyone can be? Should we have a reception? What should I wear if we just go to a court house? I still really want someone to be there to take pictures.
This is why society sucks. I think (with job and marriage thing) what I really want is such a contradiction to societal norms that I have a hard time just sticking with it.

Part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with work and it is so demanding that I don't make time to sit down and say "What I really want is ________" Also, living far away has made me more inept at communicating. I hate that I don't get to hear about Aaron's day, or when he calls and starts telling me a story that builds on another story he forgot to tell me. Or when my Mom has something happen at work and I don't hear about it for a week. I do the same thing, or when I do get to stalk to someone I spend so much time venting about what makes me angry that we don't get to talk about anything pleasant or current events or anything 'real' ...

The new job and living location are more of a shock that I thought they would be, more trying and difficult. The world is tearing my shell and walls away and instead of learning to adapt, I'm just cowering more and more.

Maybe the days off, stressful situations, and life DEMANDING that I start taking control.. will help me figure things out.

Counting

"Every second counts"
literally.
I am so busy this week, that yesterday I was finding myself counting seconds and how much time they were consuming in my life.
Then there are things like facebook that seem to be a time eating device and devour minutes in what seems like seconds.

This morning I was validating sleeping in by thinking "Getting up at 5am for 2 days allows me to sleep in until 6:30 today" then I realized that 6:30 isn't exactly sleeping in. Then felt guilty for 'sleeping in' because I wrecked the start of having a regular sleeping schedule.

I don't know if it is the age, having a job, or the type of job that makes me view time so differently now. I don't manage it as well as I could, but I also am doing better than most people would. I just feel so guilty over any bit of wasted time. I was telling Geneva how I hate eating, because it is so time consuming and it is hard to multi-task while eating...

I feel guilty about so many things and yet still want to work on so many things. Personal habits, how I teach, decorating, etc. etc. etc.

Happiness project. Need. to. start.

*sigh*

Speaking of that feeling guilty thing.. i have about a million things to do in my classroom right now.. so enough trying to clear the crazy thoughts in my head and back to work.

Home

I really feel like home is where the heart is and wherever I go I feel like home as long as someone I love is there. I call eagle butte, spearfish, and Sioux city home whenever I talk about them.
For the past few weeks I have been trying to decide where my home is and why I call everywhere home. I don't think one stationary place cann be home for me because pieces of my heart are everywhere.
Right now I am listening to Today Was A Good Day record. I love music so much :)

After the rain....

How do you learn to accept friendship from someone when you don't agree with their life choices. I am not your friend because I want to change you. I am your friend because I enjoy your personality, interests, and our conversations. However, with some friends that I have I always wonder "really?!".. when they do things, post things on FB, or I hear from them. I wonder, should I be judging you, do I even care? Do I have a right to care? Obviously I care because I am friends with you, but how much should I let your bad choices bother me. Or who am I to say that they are bad? It isn't that I'll stop being friends with these people, I just always have these thoughts in my mind, and hope I'm not the only person in the world who is wondering about the choices people they know make.

Driving back and forth between Spearfish and Eagle Butte gives me plenty of time to listen to music, panic about deer, yell at stupid drivers, and think about life. An observation I made this evening was that, I dislike driving. You spend time moving across ground, which should seem like a solid productive thing. I get all of this 'thinking' done, and spend time listening to music. Yet I feel so.. unproductive. I don't know how else to explain it, I just really don't enjoy it. It seems like such a waste of time to get to the end goal of seeing my <3 or getting back to my place to do work.

There are so many ideas I have for what to do in my classroom, and I think I just have to accept that I can't do it all in one day, week, month, or year even. It will take many years of being a teacher, and part of the profession is that you are always growing and changing. Even if I think I have it all 'planned out' for a year.. every year my students and their needs will be different, as will mine. I just need to develop strategies and general information that I can adjust as needed. I guess that is the hard part, the part that takes practice and dedication.

I find myself constantly setting resolution after resolution in my head, never following through with one thing.. sometimes they are large resolutions and other times just micro-goals.. yet nothing seems to come of it, and then I feel depressed and disappointed that I didn't change it..
I want to re-read The Happiness Project and actually complete the project and start managing myself better. Paying attention to my thoughts, feelings, and my health, and working towards goals that I set concretely. For personal and professional life.

I posted a FB status that was "When it rains it pours" this is how my life is right now.. with my family and Aaron's family there are so many things going on that are sad and scary.. or just unknown.. it is so hard to try and stay positive and optimistic.. and I was thinking today that.. even if it is raining.. or pouring.. rain washes away troubles and dirt and when the rain is done things start to grow and blossom.. and so if we can manage to stay positive and continue living, after the rain we will be more beautiful and prepared .

Well, I have some things I need to do in my classroom and I feel like working after sitting in the car for 3 hours.. so this is it for now.