Torn

I am torn.
Future. What should I do?

With these recent life developments... I have been thinking "Eagle Butte is too far away".. if someone needed me (mostly Aaron) I couldn't drop everything in a second and be there. I have to prepare and drive 3 hours .. and then in the roads are bad.. or what if I'm too broke for gas money? All of these things make me wonder.
Then I walk into my classroom and I think "How could I ever work anywhere else?" but when I'm in Spearfish I think "How could I ever live anywhere else?"...
Every time I think about it I come to another resolution. Every minute of every day makes me change my mind.
Also, even though I'm 22, and an 'adult' now.. (I guess) I don't like being so far away from my parents. I feel like they need me, and I like to be around them. I love my job though.. I love the community where I work, I love all of my little kiddos [even when they make me want to tear my hair out], I love my boss, my coworkers, the support staff, my building, my apartment..

Missing Aaron gets unbearable at times though. Just moments when I want to give him a hug, or see him laugh at my silly story, or make him breakfast in the morning.. I get to be with him forever, but that doesn't seem to calm the storm of missing him in the moment.

So I'm left wondering.. what do I do? My job pays well, I have great benefits, and I actually enjoy it. Yet, Aaron has a great job and benefits and he loves his job.. problem is they are 3 hours apart. When we get married, I don't want to live so far away. I don't want to have 2 separate homes. Maybe I'm being 'idealistic' or maybe just stubborn.

I have this internal dialog with getting married also. I want to get married to Aaron and spend the rest of my life with him. whenever we sit down to hash out the details though, I never know what I want. Do I want a big wedding, a ceremony, a dress, a reception? Most of the time I don't. Am I okay with just going to the court house and making it official? Sure. Then I run into feeling bad. What if my sisters aren't there, what if Aaron's Mom and sisters can't be there. Is it fair for anyone to be there at all then if not everyone can be? Should we have a reception? What should I wear if we just go to a court house? I still really want someone to be there to take pictures.
This is why society sucks. I think (with job and marriage thing) what I really want is such a contradiction to societal norms that I have a hard time just sticking with it.

Part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with work and it is so demanding that I don't make time to sit down and say "What I really want is ________" Also, living far away has made me more inept at communicating. I hate that I don't get to hear about Aaron's day, or when he calls and starts telling me a story that builds on another story he forgot to tell me. Or when my Mom has something happen at work and I don't hear about it for a week. I do the same thing, or when I do get to stalk to someone I spend so much time venting about what makes me angry that we don't get to talk about anything pleasant or current events or anything 'real' ...

The new job and living location are more of a shock that I thought they would be, more trying and difficult. The world is tearing my shell and walls away and instead of learning to adapt, I'm just cowering more and more.

Maybe the days off, stressful situations, and life DEMANDING that I start taking control.. will help me figure things out.

Counting

"Every second counts"
literally.
I am so busy this week, that yesterday I was finding myself counting seconds and how much time they were consuming in my life.
Then there are things like facebook that seem to be a time eating device and devour minutes in what seems like seconds.

This morning I was validating sleeping in by thinking "Getting up at 5am for 2 days allows me to sleep in until 6:30 today" then I realized that 6:30 isn't exactly sleeping in. Then felt guilty for 'sleeping in' because I wrecked the start of having a regular sleeping schedule.

I don't know if it is the age, having a job, or the type of job that makes me view time so differently now. I don't manage it as well as I could, but I also am doing better than most people would. I just feel so guilty over any bit of wasted time. I was telling Geneva how I hate eating, because it is so time consuming and it is hard to multi-task while eating...

I feel guilty about so many things and yet still want to work on so many things. Personal habits, how I teach, decorating, etc. etc. etc.

Happiness project. Need. to. start.

*sigh*

Speaking of that feeling guilty thing.. i have about a million things to do in my classroom right now.. so enough trying to clear the crazy thoughts in my head and back to work.

Home

I really feel like home is where the heart is and wherever I go I feel like home as long as someone I love is there. I call eagle butte, spearfish, and Sioux city home whenever I talk about them.
For the past few weeks I have been trying to decide where my home is and why I call everywhere home. I don't think one stationary place cann be home for me because pieces of my heart are everywhere.
Right now I am listening to Today Was A Good Day record. I love music so much :)

After the rain....

How do you learn to accept friendship from someone when you don't agree with their life choices. I am not your friend because I want to change you. I am your friend because I enjoy your personality, interests, and our conversations. However, with some friends that I have I always wonder "really?!".. when they do things, post things on FB, or I hear from them. I wonder, should I be judging you, do I even care? Do I have a right to care? Obviously I care because I am friends with you, but how much should I let your bad choices bother me. Or who am I to say that they are bad? It isn't that I'll stop being friends with these people, I just always have these thoughts in my mind, and hope I'm not the only person in the world who is wondering about the choices people they know make.

Driving back and forth between Spearfish and Eagle Butte gives me plenty of time to listen to music, panic about deer, yell at stupid drivers, and think about life. An observation I made this evening was that, I dislike driving. You spend time moving across ground, which should seem like a solid productive thing. I get all of this 'thinking' done, and spend time listening to music. Yet I feel so.. unproductive. I don't know how else to explain it, I just really don't enjoy it. It seems like such a waste of time to get to the end goal of seeing my <3 or getting back to my place to do work.

There are so many ideas I have for what to do in my classroom, and I think I just have to accept that I can't do it all in one day, week, month, or year even. It will take many years of being a teacher, and part of the profession is that you are always growing and changing. Even if I think I have it all 'planned out' for a year.. every year my students and their needs will be different, as will mine. I just need to develop strategies and general information that I can adjust as needed. I guess that is the hard part, the part that takes practice and dedication.

I find myself constantly setting resolution after resolution in my head, never following through with one thing.. sometimes they are large resolutions and other times just micro-goals.. yet nothing seems to come of it, and then I feel depressed and disappointed that I didn't change it..
I want to re-read The Happiness Project and actually complete the project and start managing myself better. Paying attention to my thoughts, feelings, and my health, and working towards goals that I set concretely. For personal and professional life.

I posted a FB status that was "When it rains it pours" this is how my life is right now.. with my family and Aaron's family there are so many things going on that are sad and scary.. or just unknown.. it is so hard to try and stay positive and optimistic.. and I was thinking today that.. even if it is raining.. or pouring.. rain washes away troubles and dirt and when the rain is done things start to grow and blossom.. and so if we can manage to stay positive and continue living, after the rain we will be more beautiful and prepared .

Well, I have some things I need to do in my classroom and I feel like working after sitting in the car for 3 hours.. so this is it for now.

Week of Doom

I've had all these wonderful thoughts
things I wanted to share
However,
it is the week of Doom
and every creative thing left my head
to make room for the anger, frustration, sadness, and worry.

we'll work on the patience and creativity next week.