wounds

wounds on the outside
you can wash them
put a bandage on
and let it heal
there might be a scar or two
but they make for good stories

wounds on the inside
you can't put a bandage there
it isn't so easy to clean them
you have to be willing to find the wound first
the wounds on the inside
they are often the ones we try to forget about
try to hide
it takes courage to search for them
to clean the wound
and to try and repair it

Transitions

It has been quite a while since I have though about this blog, let alone posted in it. Back in January I was torn over what to do. The more that I missed Aaron the clearer my decision became.
I met criticism along the way. I understand that though. I had a good place to live, I had a job in my career field, and I had a well paying job at that. To give that up for a future of uncertainty... well I can see how that might seem stupid to some. While it hurt to leave the classroom, I didn't want to regret missing out on time with my (now) husband.

Here I am now, back in Spearfish. This place is home in my heart. I feel comfortable and safe here, but I also spend time adventuring and doing new things. I really started to discover who I was as a person in this town, and it will always be special to me.

I was accepted into the graduate program at BHSU. I am currently working on my Masters of Science in Curriculum and Instruction- Technology Integrationist. I will be finished in 2 years with this degree. I am working 3 jobs and tutoring. Job #1 is at Canyon Hills Center which is a Psychiatric Treatment Facility for kids, I am a 'residential counselor' and I mostly work overnights 2 days of the week. Job # 2 is as a work study at BHSU in the Instructional Technology department. Job # 3 is at Eleutian where I teach English to Korean students via online video classes. I tutor a 4th grade student 1 hour every Friday.

My schedule is chaotic and confusing. People ask me why I'm not teaching. People ask me how I manage it.
I'm not teaching because I applied and did not get a job, I am okay with that. I think I needed a break from the classroom.  I am working 3 jobs to pay the bills, but also because I love all 3 jobs. I am working with children that are in need of positive role models, I am working with technology, and I am teaching a few hours every week. I am learning so much from each of my jobs, and meeting wonderful people that I love at each job.

I'm not sure where I will be in another year, but right now I am happy. Sometimes I just want a day off, I just want to sleep and rest. It is nice to have things to do though. I am learning so much from my classes, and I am incredibly challenged.

I still feel like a teacher even if I don't have a classroom that I spend 5 days a week in. Not having a solid plan scares me. I think I am finally getting comfortable with just living life though.
We are getting by. I am lucky enough to have jobs that I absolutely love. I have the opportunity to earn a graduate degree. My husband is the most amazing man in my eyes, and I am so happy to be with him. The future holds happiness even if I can't see the path.

in my head

feeling like the way to describe how I have felt lately is 'in my head' I live and think and work in my head. to afraid to explore the real world. to damaged to successfully take a risk in a real place.

feeling like, everything I really think is made up by me and wondering if that makes me really creative or really, really broken.

wondering why it is so impossible for me to make even one improvement.

underneath I must have this goal of sabotaging myself.

and we've gone full circle back to living in my head.

explains why I don't enjoy social activities, or people, or life.

by explains I meant excuse.

I am a giant excuse.

trying to find the entrance to the circle maze to begin making improvements and mapping the insanity. we'll see.