Torn

I am torn.
Future. What should I do?

With these recent life developments... I have been thinking "Eagle Butte is too far away".. if someone needed me (mostly Aaron) I couldn't drop everything in a second and be there. I have to prepare and drive 3 hours .. and then in the roads are bad.. or what if I'm too broke for gas money? All of these things make me wonder.
Then I walk into my classroom and I think "How could I ever work anywhere else?" but when I'm in Spearfish I think "How could I ever live anywhere else?"...
Every time I think about it I come to another resolution. Every minute of every day makes me change my mind.
Also, even though I'm 22, and an 'adult' now.. (I guess) I don't like being so far away from my parents. I feel like they need me, and I like to be around them. I love my job though.. I love the community where I work, I love all of my little kiddos [even when they make me want to tear my hair out], I love my boss, my coworkers, the support staff, my building, my apartment..

Missing Aaron gets unbearable at times though. Just moments when I want to give him a hug, or see him laugh at my silly story, or make him breakfast in the morning.. I get to be with him forever, but that doesn't seem to calm the storm of missing him in the moment.

So I'm left wondering.. what do I do? My job pays well, I have great benefits, and I actually enjoy it. Yet, Aaron has a great job and benefits and he loves his job.. problem is they are 3 hours apart. When we get married, I don't want to live so far away. I don't want to have 2 separate homes. Maybe I'm being 'idealistic' or maybe just stubborn.

I have this internal dialog with getting married also. I want to get married to Aaron and spend the rest of my life with him. whenever we sit down to hash out the details though, I never know what I want. Do I want a big wedding, a ceremony, a dress, a reception? Most of the time I don't. Am I okay with just going to the court house and making it official? Sure. Then I run into feeling bad. What if my sisters aren't there, what if Aaron's Mom and sisters can't be there. Is it fair for anyone to be there at all then if not everyone can be? Should we have a reception? What should I wear if we just go to a court house? I still really want someone to be there to take pictures.
This is why society sucks. I think (with job and marriage thing) what I really want is such a contradiction to societal norms that I have a hard time just sticking with it.

Part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with work and it is so demanding that I don't make time to sit down and say "What I really want is ________" Also, living far away has made me more inept at communicating. I hate that I don't get to hear about Aaron's day, or when he calls and starts telling me a story that builds on another story he forgot to tell me. Or when my Mom has something happen at work and I don't hear about it for a week. I do the same thing, or when I do get to stalk to someone I spend so much time venting about what makes me angry that we don't get to talk about anything pleasant or current events or anything 'real' ...

The new job and living location are more of a shock that I thought they would be, more trying and difficult. The world is tearing my shell and walls away and instead of learning to adapt, I'm just cowering more and more.

Maybe the days off, stressful situations, and life DEMANDING that I start taking control.. will help me figure things out.

Counting

"Every second counts"
literally.
I am so busy this week, that yesterday I was finding myself counting seconds and how much time they were consuming in my life.
Then there are things like facebook that seem to be a time eating device and devour minutes in what seems like seconds.

This morning I was validating sleeping in by thinking "Getting up at 5am for 2 days allows me to sleep in until 6:30 today" then I realized that 6:30 isn't exactly sleeping in. Then felt guilty for 'sleeping in' because I wrecked the start of having a regular sleeping schedule.

I don't know if it is the age, having a job, or the type of job that makes me view time so differently now. I don't manage it as well as I could, but I also am doing better than most people would. I just feel so guilty over any bit of wasted time. I was telling Geneva how I hate eating, because it is so time consuming and it is hard to multi-task while eating...

I feel guilty about so many things and yet still want to work on so many things. Personal habits, how I teach, decorating, etc. etc. etc.

Happiness project. Need. to. start.

*sigh*

Speaking of that feeling guilty thing.. i have about a million things to do in my classroom right now.. so enough trying to clear the crazy thoughts in my head and back to work.

Home

I really feel like home is where the heart is and wherever I go I feel like home as long as someone I love is there. I call eagle butte, spearfish, and Sioux city home whenever I talk about them.
For the past few weeks I have been trying to decide where my home is and why I call everywhere home. I don't think one stationary place cann be home for me because pieces of my heart are everywhere.
Right now I am listening to Today Was A Good Day record. I love music so much :)

After the rain....

How do you learn to accept friendship from someone when you don't agree with their life choices. I am not your friend because I want to change you. I am your friend because I enjoy your personality, interests, and our conversations. However, with some friends that I have I always wonder "really?!".. when they do things, post things on FB, or I hear from them. I wonder, should I be judging you, do I even care? Do I have a right to care? Obviously I care because I am friends with you, but how much should I let your bad choices bother me. Or who am I to say that they are bad? It isn't that I'll stop being friends with these people, I just always have these thoughts in my mind, and hope I'm not the only person in the world who is wondering about the choices people they know make.

Driving back and forth between Spearfish and Eagle Butte gives me plenty of time to listen to music, panic about deer, yell at stupid drivers, and think about life. An observation I made this evening was that, I dislike driving. You spend time moving across ground, which should seem like a solid productive thing. I get all of this 'thinking' done, and spend time listening to music. Yet I feel so.. unproductive. I don't know how else to explain it, I just really don't enjoy it. It seems like such a waste of time to get to the end goal of seeing my <3 or getting back to my place to do work.

There are so many ideas I have for what to do in my classroom, and I think I just have to accept that I can't do it all in one day, week, month, or year even. It will take many years of being a teacher, and part of the profession is that you are always growing and changing. Even if I think I have it all 'planned out' for a year.. every year my students and their needs will be different, as will mine. I just need to develop strategies and general information that I can adjust as needed. I guess that is the hard part, the part that takes practice and dedication.

I find myself constantly setting resolution after resolution in my head, never following through with one thing.. sometimes they are large resolutions and other times just micro-goals.. yet nothing seems to come of it, and then I feel depressed and disappointed that I didn't change it..
I want to re-read The Happiness Project and actually complete the project and start managing myself better. Paying attention to my thoughts, feelings, and my health, and working towards goals that I set concretely. For personal and professional life.

I posted a FB status that was "When it rains it pours" this is how my life is right now.. with my family and Aaron's family there are so many things going on that are sad and scary.. or just unknown.. it is so hard to try and stay positive and optimistic.. and I was thinking today that.. even if it is raining.. or pouring.. rain washes away troubles and dirt and when the rain is done things start to grow and blossom.. and so if we can manage to stay positive and continue living, after the rain we will be more beautiful and prepared .

Well, I have some things I need to do in my classroom and I feel like working after sitting in the car for 3 hours.. so this is it for now.

Week of Doom

I've had all these wonderful thoughts
things I wanted to share
However,
it is the week of Doom
and every creative thing left my head
to make room for the anger, frustration, sadness, and worry.

we'll work on the patience and creativity next week.

Differences

This week is really illustrating how different my place of work is.
Before I get into it though, no matter how sad, depressed, angry, or hopeless I sound- I love my  job with all my heart.

My classroom has a daily and even weekly routine. It is different from most schools. My students don't have coats and back packs. They don't come with school supplies. Most don't have books at home. Very few of my students live with "Mom" and "Dad". I have to be very careful about planning and about what I say or how I word things.

My students grow up knowing more about the world than they should. Students as young as 5 are involved in gangs and take part in vandalizing their home town.. There is gang activity, families with too many children, drug use, alcoholism.

Its an area filled with poverty.

Its also an area filled with people who have bigger hearts than most people you have met. So don't assume that because someone is poor, they won't amount to much.

Okay, so in my room things are different, but routine. This week has NOT been routine, even for me. I've been forgotten about many times, I've had students tell me they don't like this school or class, its boring, they hate it (even if they just say it because they're dramatic.. it hurts).  I am behind on many things. Having behavior problems. A student crying and breaking down over being bullied and how kids from another school try to jump him on his way home and they have knives. Hes in 5th grade. He has to worry about making it home alive because he has to walk. My students don't even know about their cultural history. People purposefully leave things out textbooks because they're gruesome (or because they don't want everyone to know how awful people were). That alone makes me want to cry.
I'm already worried about students who don't wear coats when they come to school. It is so cold in the mornings.

I'm wondering what parent teacher conferences will be like.. if my parents will come. If they will like me (I still haven't met most of them)

I knew it would be different, but I never realized in how many ways. Even on the days when I'm ready to scream, cry, and pull my hair out.. I wouldn't want to teach anywhere else right now. Other places would be boring. The fact that my students have lived their lives to this point and have such great senses of humor and big hearts means so very much to me. Even when I complain, I whine, and when I'm scared.. I love my job, in this exact town, exact school, exact grade, and exact room.

i dont want to cry
and i dont want to try and explain
i would just like for my chest to stop feeling like its ripping apart

definitions

I care too much about the wrong things.

I do things because I think or feel its what is expected of me, not because I want or need to.

Now I'm forgetting what I want or need.

The loss of definitions is causing this desire to waste time in an attempt to forget how to feel

Moldy Bread

I ate toast last night with supper.
I ate toast for breakfast.
I was in the process of making toast for supper this evening.
Grab bread.
Open bread bag.
Discover: MOLD

REALLY?!

That pretty much sums up my week and month.

That is all.

p.s.

My neighbors are being incredibly loud,
I am thiiiis close to putting in my UnderOath CD and jamming out like I'm 80.

[de]construction

I wonder:

do you have to completely tear yourself apart before you can appreciate yourself?

I wonder:
what it is that makes me have such up and down days?

I guess this is why I don't like change.


we always joke about things being a vicious circle or cycle, and you don't realize how serious it is until you're caught dancing around in it

bad day -- my fault? -- probably not doing everything I should be doing -- wish someone would fill me in -- missing everyone -- tired -- don't deserve sleep -- not enough work done -- no time to do it -- feeling sick still -- feeling sad -- unmotivated when sad -- more time wasted -- count seconds, minutes, hours -- always think "could have"--

I'm sure in 10 hours or 10 days I'll be as happy and proud as ever. Is this the lifelong cycle? I'd rather just stay up high. Is it a process? Is it all made up?

Broken Zippers

So of course, on the day I am admiring how long my pair of pants has lasted, the zipper breaks. The internal dialog went something like this:
Wow I've had these pants forever.
Since I started working at Premier.
They're my Premier pants.
I remember when they used to not fit, ah and then I gained weight.
Oh well, they're comfy pants.
I love these pants.

I went through my regular teacher day. Got home. Zipper breaks. What?! So much for admiring you pants, sheesh.
Solution: chocolate creme puff AND a pumpkin Resses peanut butter cup. :D
If you decide you need to buy curtains,
never buy an odd number. Especially if your curtain rod has a center attachment point...
(note to self: buy one more curtain for the living room)

Also, never assume that anyone remembers the rules about anything.
Things that you think are important, don't mean crap to other people (hello, America)

Apparently our school is going to take part in a reading program with McDonalds.. (right, I know)
I'm not sure how I feel about it.. One of the things I have noticed about my place of employment.. there is A LOT of extrinsic motivation.. which is weird for me.. because I am not an extrinsically motivated person.. 

Today was Toon Monday.. I think 5 kiddos in my class dressed up, and I wore my bright yellow Sponge Bob shirt.. yep.

I actually wrote lesson plans for 2 days, which is not a lot, but seemed like a huge accomplishment. Now to plan for the rest of the week and grade the mound of papers I have.. Weeeeeeeee

An Adventure

I'm learning now that life is an adventure. Sometimes we willingly seek out adventure and yet at other times we stumble upon it. [Maybe occasionally we are violently thrown into it]

I never was an adventurous one.

I have no sense of direction, I am incredibly shy, and seemingly incapable of functioning without the assistance of another human being.

However, I am surviving. (Insert "I'm a Survivor" by Destiny's Child as a mental theme song)

In the past months, or maybe even the past year. I have spent much time complaining, whining, crying, failing, and drowning. I have also spent time soaring, smiling, succeeding, and living.

There was still something missing.

Appreciation, thanks, and acknowledgement.

I never take the time to acknowledge how I'm feeling. I never stop to say or think, "Well I wonder why"

Recently I realized how important it is to appreciate what I have and what I have accomplished. I don't mean the boastful bragging kind of appreciation. I mean the genuine kind of appreciation. As for thanks- I don't say thank you enough. Not enough in a day-to-day setting when someone helps me and definitely not enough for people who are just in my life- the people willing to put up with me and all that that entails.

So back to the adventure.

College was an adventure, and one that I miss an incredibly amount. Here I am, in my first real job though.

What time is it???? ADVENTURE TIIIIME!!! [Only those of you as obsessed with cartoons as I am will get this...]

Paying bills, having accounts, buying groceries, remembering to clean all the little things that need cleaned, killing spiders, remembering to turn the lights off, setting the thermostat, putting gas in the car, shutting the windows, setting the alarm, washing the dishes... these are all incredibly new experiences for me.

Insurance, retirement, paychecks, discounts, organizations, unions, keys, locks, special envelops, documentation, documentation, documentation...

Among all of these lists, worries, and new things.. I am learning to appreciate.

I survived over a month at my new job. I have lived on my own successfully for over a month. No explosions, death, violence, missing people, fires, or other disasters.

I have had good and bad days.. but I am here. I have a job at a great school with great students and staff.

Some days I get really stressed and some days I have funny stories.. other days I am just happy.

I decided I should start writing again. To document my adventures. Adventures of growing up, living alone, getting married, and working.

Students say the funniest things and sometimes see the world more clearly than the most educated adult. I hope to share great things with my readers. Regardless, I miss writing and I love to journal. So here I am. Enjoy.