I am torn.
Future. What should I do?
With these recent life developments... I have been thinking "Eagle Butte is too far away".. if someone needed me (mostly Aaron) I couldn't drop everything in a second and be there. I have to prepare and drive 3 hours .. and then in the roads are bad.. or what if I'm too broke for gas money? All of these things make me wonder.
Then I walk into my classroom and I think "How could I ever work anywhere else?" but when I'm in Spearfish I think "How could I ever live anywhere else?"...
Every time I think about it I come to another resolution. Every minute of every day makes me change my mind.
Also, even though I'm 22, and an 'adult' now.. (I guess) I don't like being so far away from my parents. I feel like they need me, and I like to be around them. I love my job though.. I love the community where I work, I love all of my little kiddos [even when they make me want to tear my hair out], I love my boss, my coworkers, the support staff, my building, my apartment..
Missing Aaron gets unbearable at times though. Just moments when I want to give him a hug, or see him laugh at my silly story, or make him breakfast in the morning.. I get to be with him forever, but that doesn't seem to calm the storm of missing him in the moment.
So I'm left wondering.. what do I do? My job pays well, I have great benefits, and I actually enjoy it. Yet, Aaron has a great job and benefits and he loves his job.. problem is they are 3 hours apart. When we get married, I don't want to live so far away. I don't want to have 2 separate homes. Maybe I'm being 'idealistic' or maybe just stubborn.
I have this internal dialog with getting married also. I want to get married to Aaron and spend the rest of my life with him. whenever we sit down to hash out the details though, I never know what I want. Do I want a big wedding, a ceremony, a dress, a reception? Most of the time I don't. Am I okay with just going to the court house and making it official? Sure. Then I run into feeling bad. What if my sisters aren't there, what if Aaron's Mom and sisters can't be there. Is it fair for anyone to be there at all then if not everyone can be? Should we have a reception? What should I wear if we just go to a court house? I still really want someone to be there to take pictures.
This is why society sucks. I think (with job and marriage thing) what I really want is such a contradiction to societal norms that I have a hard time just sticking with it.
Part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with work and it is so demanding that I don't make time to sit down and say "What I really want is ________" Also, living far away has made me more inept at communicating. I hate that I don't get to hear about Aaron's day, or when he calls and starts telling me a story that builds on another story he forgot to tell me. Or when my Mom has something happen at work and I don't hear about it for a week. I do the same thing, or when I do get to stalk to someone I spend so much time venting about what makes me angry that we don't get to talk about anything pleasant or current events or anything 'real' ...
The new job and living location are more of a shock that I thought they would be, more trying and difficult. The world is tearing my shell and walls away and instead of learning to adapt, I'm just cowering more and more.
Maybe the days off, stressful situations, and life DEMANDING that I start taking control.. will help me figure things out.
oh, dear, it seems like you're really struggling with these things.
ReplyDeletei'm not going to pretend i have all the answers, and i'm sure you don't want to hear anymore opinions on what you should or shouldn't do, but i'm going to say this:
do what your heart tells you. if it tells you to go to the court house to get married, that's what you should do. if it tells you to buy a dress and have a pretty little ceremony, that's what you should do. even if it tells you to go to vegas and get married by elvis, that's what you should do - provided aaron's ok with that one, lol.
i know it's hard to be far away from the people you love, but just think about how much stronger it is making you inside. when you finally get to be with aaron 24/7, you're going to be able to show him how much you love him every day and you can look back and say something like, "wow, i was so strong 1, 2, 3 or however many years ago. i didn't get to see aaron every day, but i still made him know that i love him and i had to be creative about how i did that, and now i don't have to."
and i know it's so hard to be away from your parents...this is coming from someone who, up until just 3 or so years ago, would make herself physically sick when her parents were away. i haven't actually talked to my mom about antying more than costumes or work in....well, since august, i think. i think, when you're able to be with aaron all the time, he will help you to not miss them as much. and know that, no matter where you go or what you do or where you end up, they are always going to love you and they are always going to be there for you when you need them and they are always going to support you, because they love you. you have really wonderful parents, dear. i don't think i've met cooler parents, lol!
i think, dear, that you worry too much. i know that's a silly thing to say; we all worry too much. but you are a beautiful person and a wonderful teacher - i know you are, becuase i can hear how much you care about your job and your students when you talk to me about them. just try, and i know it's really hard, to let things run their course. some things are just out of our control and if we can let them run their course without trying to make them conform to the way we think they should be, they get better without our really knowing they got better.
just remember that your parents, your sisters, aaron and all of your friends are going to be there for you whenever you need them. and if you ever need a ride in december (cuz i'll be in spear 'til the 21st for music stuff...) and you can't afford it, i will come get you and bring you home, so you can be with the people you love and who love you.
chin up, dear. things will get better. you are so strong and beautiful. just remember, you can do this and we will all help you.
like i said, i don't have all the answers, and i'm not going to pretend i do. i just want you to know that i will always be there for you when you need someone. i'll even drive to eb and let you cry on my shoulder if you need it. i just want you to know that i believe in you and i know your family believes in you. we all know you can do it. i just want you to remember that we wouldn't hang out with you if we didn't think you were so effing awesome, lol! jk!!! but, really, you're awesome and we believe you can do it.
i love you, teri, dear! don't ever forget that...and i will do whatever i can whenever i can to help you out with whatever you need.
it'll be christmas soon...and you'll get to spend more than just a couple days with your loved ones.
wow, that was long, lol! sorry! i didn't realize it was so long! my bad!
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